Volume 8 Chapter 2 Part 4

Fiancée of the Wizard

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Translation by Goma
Editing by Team Foxsunes


Don’t touch it!

Before I knew it, I had shoved Noct away. Then swiftly crouching down, I picked up the bracelet and clenched tightly onto it in a way in which I was hastily clasping it tightly to my breast. Shoved away, Noct stumbled backwards. I glared at him. 

It is, your fault

I distinctly heard my trembling voice say those words. Once said, those words could not be forgotten. Noct’s yellow eyes opened widely. 

Emotions that I had been long containing overflowed within me towards the dumbfounded face. How selfish of you. How irrational the situation was. Such emotions that I had said to myself, those emotions that I had been controlling finally stormed within my heart like a crazed horse. It burst through my mouth as spoken blades.

What do you mean “precious”. Of course, it is precious, Why? He, Edi, had given it to me. Don’t tell me as if you know me.

I knew they were words I should not say. But my mouth could not be stopped.

Everything, everything is your fault! If you had not appeared in front of us, Edi would not have been taken! Edi would not have suffered! You, because of you, Edi………!

I could almost hear his voice once again, his voice calling my name so weakly. What sort of torture was he facing in the church? If possible, I wanted to rush to him immediately and help him. Edi. Edi. Edi. My adorable darling. But my voice and hand could not reach him. I could not help him.

   How did it end up like this? The cause was Noct. If we had not met him, we would not have been chased out of the capital. The man would not have been captured by the church. Everything, everything was Noct’s———-no, wrong.

   Actually, I knew. From the beginning, I knew that it was not all Noct’s fault. Why could I blame Noct? I did not have such a right.

I had accepted Noct. My selfish actions had caused this situation. I am to blame. My rashness had put that man into peril.

—–Edi. What are you doing right now?

Even though the man was suffering because of me, I could not do anything. It was unbearably frustrating, vexing, and saddening. I had not imagined such a day when I would despise how powerless I was to such an extent.

   Indeed. I did not have a single right to blame Noct every single time. Let me repeat. I was to blame. But.

…..Sorry

!?

Yet, Noct did not argue back. He gave a small apology as he cast his face downwards. Even though it was a short apology, I felt there was proper regret in it, not just of superficial nature. From that voice, I thoroughly understood how mean I had been in what I had said.

———-Ah. Ah. What had I done? This child is not wrong at all. I was, wrong.

I held my mouth with both my hands instinctively. Nevertheless, once said, the words I had hurled at him would not return. Moreover, it was almost as if the words I had hurled at Noct had been reflected back at me. The precious magical sphere of the bracelet I was holding in my hands touched my lips. Its coldness felt very vivid.

I am, sorry

…….Why do you have to apologise?

B, but

   Apparently, Noct had accurately heard my quiet apology that split from my mouth covered by both my hands, because he tilted his head questioningly. What are you saying? His yellow eyes conveyed a genuine query from his heart. Because his eyes were so beautiful, I became lost for words.

   There was no complicated reasoning to my apology. I had said mean things to him. Everything was the consequence of my choices, and Noct was merely the start. It was not all his fault. It was I who had put the man into danger. Yet, I had blamed Noct without considering how wrong I was. How unfair I had been. How selfish of me.

   Yet, why did this boy readily accept the irrationality and selfishness of others as if it was a matter of course?

   At that moment, I thought to myself from the bottom of my heart. Indeed, it was good that I held my mouth shut. If I had not done so, I would have selfishly let out a cry.

   Noct did not say anything. You are at fault. I wished he would object so. But he did not. Why didn’t you blame me? I also wanted to blame him for not blaming me. If he would say, it is all because of your past actions, then I could, I—–ah, I see. Finally, I understood what I wanted to do, and what I wanted to be done to me. I hated myself again.

   Yes. That is why. I did not want to blame this boy. I wanted to be blamed by this boy. I wanted to be freed by being blamed. Yet, this boy was kind. He was too kind for me now.

   I took down my hands that had been holding my mouth. Noct’s body jolted. Noct was seemingly readying himself at whatever was to be said. Then, I bowed my head deeply.

———–I am sorry, Noct.

   Although I knew it was self-gratification, I could not but apologize. When I lifted my head, I saw Noct opening his eyes wide. He was gazing at me with an obvious expression of surprise. However, that was momentary, because he quickly reverted to his impenetrable expressionless face. Looking at his proportionate face, I endured crying with all my might. Then I made an awkward smile.

……Thank you, for the meal

   It was a line that was too clumsy to cover up for the violent language I had said earlier. I could easily imagine Noct leaving the room. Leaving the room like he had done so ever since I had been kidnapped till now. This boy would not answer me.  I wished he would insult me, how selfish of you. But surely, he would not say so.

   However, in contrast to my expectations, Noct gave a reaction. He shook his head. I blinked at his reaction that was clearly different from his actions till now. He then voiced a line which made me remember a person not beside me right now.

Well, it is not such a big deal. Besides, you should not be thanking me right now. 」

Ur, yes. You are, right.

   I knew that. I knew that this was not what he truly wanted to say. That was why I could not say anything else. Noct then nodded at me, then took something very familiar out of the ragged cloth he was wearing.

And yeah, this. I should not be saying this, but tonight is going to be cold again. That’s why, use, this.

 ……!

I gulped. Why could I have not gulped?

What Noct offered me was a soft long scarf woven by a lavender colored wool thread. I had not become so senile to forget what it was. This scarf that was soft and warm to touch was what I had gifted Noct when we were in the capital.

   I was dumbfounded at its unforgettable color. Although Noct had worn it all the time in the capital, in this estate he had replaced it with a black choker. I had thought he had simply thrown it away. But I was wrong. Noct still had the scarf.

   I slid my gaze from the scarf to Noct’s face. I was lost for words. Then I noticed Noct making an awkward and uncomfortable expression as if waiting to be scolded. Then falling silent and glancing sideways, he pushed the scarf into my hands.

   Automatically, I received the scarf. Noct then exhaled a sigh of relief and looked down as if he was embarrassed by himself. I could not help but murmur.

W, why?

…….?

   Apparently Noct’s black wolf ears heard even my whisper-like murmur properly. I continued as Noct twitched his ears.

Why, are you being kind to me?

   You’re being so mean. I softly asked. Noct then lifted his face that had been downcast, and stared at me. His eyes deeply conveyed a sense of puzzlement.

I am not being kind to you

No, you are. You have been always kind

Which part of me is kind?

I think, everything

……you are stupid, aren’t you?

Hm. I agree

   Yet, I felt that this boy was kind. Surely, to anyone’s eyes, I was a hopeless fool.

   Nonetheless, I could not help but think so. I wanted to believe in the kindness of this child. I did not think all the kindness he had shown to me in the capital was a lie. I did not want to think so.

   If he wanted to, he could have hurt and inflicted me whenever he wanted to. But he did not. Was I excessively praising him to label this act as kindness as well? Was I being irrational and selfish?

…….I don’t like this

Sorry

Indeed. You are indeed a fool again to bring this out at this moment

   If I did not tense up, my voice would quiver. Barely maintaining my composure, I said so. Ostensibly, Noct had noticed my change in tone, because he gazed at me with even more bewilderment. Frustratingly, I could not contain my smile upon seeing his expression. While Noct further widened his eyes, I deepened my smile.


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