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Chapter 127: Two Conflicting Selves

~Kinu’s Perspective~

I’ve changed.

It was not just physical changes. More so than the body, the change in my heart and mind was bigger…

When I first met Aun, I was “small and weak”. That was supposed to be the part I really disliked, but lately I’ve realized that somehow I’ve been spoiling myself.

Because there’s something I’ve realized recently…

I wanted to have Aun all to myself.

As long as I’m small and weak, Aun will watch over me and make me his priority. I will be the center of his world.

That’s why, even though I somewhat wanted to become stronger, deep down in my heart – at my core, I didn’t want to change.

I said out loud that “I’m going to become stronger” and “Become the strongest”, but perhaps I thought “It’s okay to be weak,” in my heart.

I want Aun to be by my side. I want Aun to always look at me.

If nothing changes, Aun and I can sleep together as usual and he will always cherish me.

It’s revolting, isn’t it… I’m lying to stay close to him.

That may be why.. the more I faced those thoughts and feelings, the more ugly I felt, and that feeling continued to grow…

Ever since we started challenging the Ruins of Silence, I have been unable to sort out my confused mind.

Despite this, I chose to run from those thoughts.

The more I faced my ugly emotions, the more I hated myself.

However, at some point, another me voiced out from within.

『You are weak, you are dirty, you are ugly.』

I didn’t want to hear it, see it, or think about it. I didn’t want to believe it.

I wonder since when did this begin…

I confidently said that it was okay even if I’m not his number one as soon as I obtained human transformation in the Plainevelt dungeon, but… The more time I spent with Aun, the more I couldn’t control my emotions.

The feeling of “love”… even though it’s written the same, the feelings changed rapidly.

The first “love” was the same feeling that I had towards my fox family.

From there, it turned into respect and admiration.

During the stampede and ranking battle, my heart throbbed when he called me his “partner”.

I wanted to protect Aun’s back, stand side by side with him, and be relied upon.

But I was not satisfied with just that…

Of course I love everyone in Star Supremacy. I love them very much.

I want to be friends with them forever. I want to laugh with them. I would protect them even if it meant sacrificing myself.

But Aun is the only “special love” in my heart.

I really want to be Aun’s number one. I want to be special

And perhaps because I couldn’t control these feelings anymore, I may have evolved into a demi-human and my body grew into an adult.

The form I longed for…

However, the moment I saw my evolved form in the mirror for the first time, my existence almost broke.

All sorts of emotions swirled inside me. It was so disgusting that I felt like throwing up.

I felt like the core that formed me had been overwritten.

…Nevertheless, Aun hugged me and said, “No matter what, Kinu is Kinu.”

The reason why I can now think of it as if it were a thing of the past is because Aun embraced me at that time.

Even if my body grows, my mind changes, and no matter how ugly I become… Aun will accept me for who I am. He will cherish me. Make me the center of his world.

Such a comfortable sense of security connected to my core that was about to break and made it stronger.

My desire to be next to Aun, my greedy and ugly side, my love for my friends, my love for cute and sweet foods, and my inability to wake up in the morning…all of this is me.

Aun will embrace all that is me.

As long as I understand that, I will be fine.

I have changed.

『You are weak, You are dirty, You are ugly…』

That’s exactly why!

『You have changed.』

Obviously. It’s because I’m alive!

And I will continue to change!

『You become much more ugly. Because you’re greedy.』

That’s fine. Aun will continue to hug me like that!

And that’s not all. ……You are a part of me too, aren’t you?

『Finally, you have accepted me.』

……Sorry for pretending that you didn’t exist until now.

Let’s have some fun together from now on. Let’s enjoy our change, our growth, our evolution.

『Nn. I am looking forward to it.』

Perhaps I will no longer hear this voice.

But I will never forget that there is another me in my heart.

I have changed.

And I will continue to change.

This time, so that I can love myself too–