Chapter 382
Chapter 382: Dungeon horseback-surfing on bucking broncos with a rodeo-circus vibe turned out to be pretty fun and wildly popular.
Day 90 – Daytime, Dungeon 88F
The guardian of the hidden room’s treasure chest. It’s the most dangerous foe on that floor, and it’s always huge. Hidden rooms are, as the name might imply, small enough to be hidden, so why is the thing waiting there so large? I suppose if hidden rooms were also huge there would be no point hiding them, but they just look so cramped. It can’t move much, so it’s an easy target, but I’ve got almost no room to dodge as well, forced into ultra-close evasive maneuvers. Getting ultra close with soft, squishy high-school girls is one thing, but getting personal with a giant hard and jagged steel snake is not desired by anyone. Whoa, tail!
「Yeah, normally a steel-scaled snake would just coil up and crush you in close quarters, but trying that against an opponent loaded with 「Divine Swords」「God Spears」and 「Dimensional Blades」 with zero escape room is pure madness. I can’t say I dislike wrapping a wriggly thing around, it’s very Highschool Boy approved, but I have no fetish for being wrapped up, and snakes are also not up my alley, or rather I’m not into snakes, or rather, if I were into snakes, it would’ve been so questionable on so many levels! Anyway, it’s a snake, so I’m going to freeze it, kay? Even if it’s a steel one, it’s still a reptile.」
Alone in the 88th floor’s hidden room, while Armored Pres-san and others dashed off at floor 83 and probably wiped every monster up through 89 by now, so the hidden room is my only chance to do anything, yet it’s a snake… I dismantle the half-frozen, drowsy 「Metal King Python Lv88」 that’s about to hibernate. I had to carve it up nicely, the room is way too small otherwise! I have no interest in cuddling up to a dead metal snake, or a live one! Of course, as a Highschool Boy, I wouldn’t object to getting cozy if it were a lamia beauty, or a medusa big sis, or an echidna enchantress, or even a pretty niche Kankandara shrine maiden, [1] well, as long as it has human body, willing to climb any hill that comes my way, but this is just a snake, you know?
The treasure chest buried beneath the giant snake’s corpse contained a matching pair of hair-ornaments labeled 『Guardian Protection Hairpins – Emergency Simple Barrier (Charges Limited)』. It’s more of a consolation than an actual gear, so I could sell them to the girls, but even a token boost to safety is worth mass-producing and distributing. The originals I’ll put on Armored Pres-san and Dancing Girl-san.
Monsters scatter with every sword stroke. And that concludes Armored Pres-san’s segment.
There was also a chain version and a slime version, but I’ll omit those. I’m sure the nameless monsters on floor 89 fought hard, but three Dungeon Emperors at once is a no-win scenario. They turned into magic stones before I could even check their species. They formed up in small squads with spear points aligned, dove in, used tactics, launched wave attacks on Armored Pres-san’s group… O nameless monsters, I’ll never forget your names? Well, I never learned them? So, what were you, anyway?
「Good work, though the metal fatigue on enemy spears is probably the only type of fatigue that happened on this floor? Well, the spears were sliced into rings before they could feel fatigue, and the monsters were sliced into rings too? Slime-san, did you get your fill?」
(Jiggle-Jiggle)
Good, glad to hear it. Makes getting left behind worthwhile. Yes, the master got totally ditched, and had a tranquil walk all alone through a monster-free Dungeon.
When I put the 「Guardian Protection Hairpins」 into the two girls’ hair, they dered on me, apparently they’re a new character type – boko-dere! In other words, they beat you up daily and only rarely dere, a hardship-filled archetype providing beatings with Dungeon Emperor’s force. I thought it was an unfair game, but turns out it’s just a death game!
So now I’m walking arm-in-arm, with their heads resting on my shoulders from both sides, looking totally like a happy normie, except they’re both in full armor. Yeah, it’s hard, you know?
All right, floor 90 means a floor-boss battle, will I get a turn? I did think up some cool boss-battle poses while walking, but if I strike a pose I’ll pause and fall behind, and the boss might already be gone. That’s a very ephemeral floor boss on the verge of going extinct, or rather already slated for annihilation! A true cryptid?
「No, it’s a horse! Hey, how about hitching this thing to the Geeks and Idiots’ carriage? It looks fierce enough to race to the ends of the earth and turn it into a sea of fire along with the wagon, perfect slaughter machine fit for the Geeks and Idiots. Yeah, fine for them, but definitely not something we can let loose outside. I mean, it’s spewing poison gas and stuff? Well, a poison can be neutralized so that’s still better than poisonous words or lectures, so in a way, maybe this horse is not all that bad?」
This horse has eight legs, the whole body covered in a miasma of poison, with its gaping maw lined with fangs, breathing fire. Its entire body is armored with spiky plating, absolutely something I’d love to sic on the Geeks and Idiots, but loose in the wild it’d be a menace to normal people. The Geeks and Idiots are already a menace, no need to make it worse.
Slime-san bounces to the front, blocking the path, so cute! Armored Pres-san circles left, Dancing Girl-san circles right. Oh no! I missed the timing while striking my cool pose.
Kicking off the ground and launching into the air, I soar over the horse, and then land on top. Yep, I tried riding it.
It kind of felt like horseback surfing, but I gave the horse’s head a bonk. It neighed and bucked wildly! Whoa, this feels like a wild rodeo surf/circus, pretty fun, actually! The floor boss rages around trying to shake me off, while I keep my balance perfectly while riding on its back and giving it little bonks on the head. Yep, as a horse, you are done if the enemy gets on top of you? It just isn’t fit to be a monster?
While I was enjoying my surf-rodeo time, Armored Pres-san, Dancing Girl-san, and Slime-san were lining up, waiting. Looks like it’s time to switch riders!
We all took turns enjoying the surf-rodeo, and once the horse wore itself out and stopped moving, Slime-san ate it happily.
「Yeah, I wish it had managed at least one more lap, but for such a wild one, it was kind of a wimp in the end, huh?」
(Nod Nod, Nod-Nod, Jiggle-Jiggle)
It gave a good ride with its sudden stops and jackknifing vertically, but on the seventh lap it ran out of steam. Everyone had been lined up and waiting… but the horse was down.
「Well, we’ve had our Rodeo Drive-style ride, shall we head down? Hmm, I think I could maybe handle some bodyboarding on a big wave in our pool, but if it’s surfing, we’d need to build a whole new pool from scratch. That’d be a huge construction job, and the material costs sound pretty painful?」
We’ve passed the backwater deflation spiral, but now with the industrial revolution and a surge in population, inflation’s kicking in. Guess I’ll talk to Play King and have him issue more money. He seems like a player so he’ll probably just toss some out with a smile. I mean, the guy still has three wives! Maybe it’s time for a play revolution?
If it’s some kind of fast-flying ranged enemy, and I’d like to get in a bit of training. Maybe I could bribe them with crepes to concede the floor 91 monsters?
Yesterday’s escort session with the shoulder-guard funnels made for great practice in control and maneuvering. I polished the coordination of all six, and the effective range improved, just a little. Right now, I’m practicing the mobile-shield maneuvers. The shoulder-shield funnels fly around deflecting and redirecting attacks, occasionally firing off Fire Bullets to scramble the enemy while forming a defensive line and drawing the battle into mid-range.
「They’re pretty useful once you get used to them, huh? Yeah, they don’t really do much shoulder guarding, but if I stay still and keep things mid-range, they really broaden available tactics. I mean, otherwise I’ve got no options besides slashing, so they’re precious?」
(Nom-Nom. Munch munch. Chomp chomp.)
Was that supposed to be a reply? Is it only my imagination or it sounded more like chewing? No, no, surely there’s no way they would just ignore their master and focus on eating sweets, it must’ve been a reply! No one’s even looking my way, but I’m sure it was a reply! That’s what I think!. I think, therefore I despair? Wait, what?
On the way here, I found『Claw Strike Gloves – SpE 40% UP, Magic Claw Attack, +ATT』 in the hidden room. The kind of gloves that summon claws, feels like something you’d find in the basement of Cagliostro’s castle. Totally stirs a guy’s heart, but… they get in the way of weapon usage. I’m super tempted, but you’d have to go barehanded just to use them. Yeah, let’s sell them.
With all that going on, we’re sprinting through the Dungeon on a first-come-first-serve basis. As expected, cool poses really put me at a disadvantage!
Everyone is waiting at the staircase ahead. Which means, the floor below, 97F, is the lowest floor. I’ve made them promise that no matter what, they’ll wait for me at the bottom. That floor, and that floor alone. Because only the lowest floor holds true darkness and danger. I made it absolutely clear – break that promise, and no dinner or snacks. So they’ll listen to me, on this one thing.
「Thanks for waiting, actually, your master got left behind again, standing all alone on a monster-extinct floor, striking cool poses all alone. It’s actually quite painful, so let’s go comfort him, okay?」
(Nod Nod, Nod-Nod, Jiggle-Jiggle)
Mm, good reply. Well, a reply is all I’m getting, but having any reply at all is progress, I guess.
Sliding in with a single step and vanishing like mist I close the distance, then deliver a skill-loaded slash. The World Tree staff shrouded in Magic Wrap with every possible effect sliced empty air and smashed a『Kyojitsu』strike into nothingness, making the very space around quake. Dodged?
Then a carefully aimed, heavy swing comes crashing down exactly where I just moved to, seeing that future with Future Sight, I abort my motion, spin clear of range, and a second sharp strike stabs into that spot as well.
Six shoulder-shield funnels form a barricade mid air, deflecting the thrust while getting blown away, I foresee the follow-up, mask my movements with high-speed dance steps, cast illusions, even spawn shadow clones, why not toss in a shadow crow too? But it’s all read. Even my scramble using speed, feints, and teleports gets seen through, letting the enemy seize the initiative, gradually cornering me… This one can see it, huh.
Even when I unleash invisible magic-thread slashes at ultra high speed, he deflects them with that greatsword, what a cheat! This guy’s got Future Sight, how unfair is that?! Seriously annoying, could you not go peeking at my future without permission? That’s a violation of publicity rights, privacy rights, just totally offensive, you know? Sort of?
What an absurd, unreasonable, unfair opponent, peeking into the future and attacking regardless of speed or rhythm? An utterly despicable fellow. If I didn’t have my own Future Sight I would’ve been in trouble, what a villainous Dungeon Master-san.
If we both keep predicting each other with Future Sight and trading blows, I’ll lose since I can only deflect those heavy, razor-sharp, unavoidable swings. I mean, it’s Lv 24 versus Lv 100, you know? A totally average human Highschool Boy versus a Dungeon Master monster. With Future Sight, speed means nothing, only technique is left, and with such a huge gap in stats, the slightest slip in my parry and my whole arm would be torn off! Well, it’ll stick back on, but still? Even my single option, deflection, gets seen through, with him shifting angle, distance, timing, and power in response, while I see through that with my Future sight and add subtle tweaks to my deflections and parries, winning room for counter attacks.
He sees, understands, and reacts, making him unmanageable.
I can’t do anything about being seen, illusions and smoke screen don’t work, he’s got some kind of True Sight, maybe. And with Lv 100 stats his reflexes and speed are absolute, nothing I can do to deny that. So the only play is to make it unintelligible, an attack he can’t comprehend even if he sees it and reacts instantly.
I unravel the meticulously stacked layers of Magic Wrap, then mash them back together into a chaotic mess. Now it’s so bizarre that not even『Wisdom』can’t process it. Moving with nonsensical, random motions, I let the tangled, convoluted mana flow guide my staff in incomprehensibly erratic swings.
「Gaaahhh.」
Even so, he barely manages to foresee the future, and using his ultra-fast reflexes and high physical ability intercepts the slash coming from the most ridiculous angles tracing nonsensical ridiculous paths, yet he still gets cut and now he’s angry? He’s probably mad because he can’t make sense of it, but I don’t understand it either, so getting mad at me is just taking it out on the wrong person. This move itself is a last-ditch desperate move that’s totally out of control, trying to analyze it is the mistake. Whether you block or dodge, the incomprehensible attack teleports in, this is 「Random Attack」Don’t think, feel! By the way, even if you feel it, it still connects, no matter what you do, you get cut.
This thing has never been avoided by anyone below the Armored Pres-san or Dancing Girl-san, or Slime-san, class, meaning Dungeon-Emperor tier. Even Dancing Girl-san couldn’t intercept or evade it back when she was Lv 1 and got hit. So for a mere lower-rank Dungeon Master, it was way too much to handle.
「Gugaaah!」
Oh, he is angry, really angry, but since I’ve got Future Sight too, he can’t land a blow so long as I just keep running. It’s a fitting end for a scoundrel who uses the dirty trick of reading other people’s futures. I love looking and staring, sure, but I have zero fetish for being watched, like, seriously! I’m not kidding?! I’m not some guy in a trench coat who’d go 「Ta-dah!」 in public, okay? How would that even be fun?
Still, an Lv 100 Dungeon Master with Future Sight might, by some freak chance, land a glancing hit on Armored Pres-san and others, and the skill named「Ultimate Death」 really rubs me the wrong way! Sounds like an upgraded 「Instant Death」but that 「Ultimate」 seems really sketchy. I’m pretty sure there is no chance in hell it would even graze the three of them, and even if they got hit it probably wouldn’t work, especially with their 「Undying」 trait and all, but there’s no need to take the risk. When it comes to probabilities, leave it to Epic Luck-san. From experience, I’d die of ordinary causes long before 「Instant Death」 ever procs, so the chance is effectively zero. Yep, safe enough.
With a very displeased roar, the Dungeon Master 「Death Guardian Lv100」 turned into a magic stone. The Future Sight threat is gone, yet my allies are giving me that Flat Gaze? Hey, trading blows with something like that is dangerous, you know? I mean, I’ve got an important body to keep in top shape for tonight? Sort of? Kind of? Maybe?
Anyway, let’s head back quickly. Tonight is the Orphans’ moving-out farewell party, and the preparations are a real handful?
[TL Notes:
[1] Kankandara is a Japanese yokai that combines the features of a snake and a human woman. It became famous after a post describing a “personal experience” in 2009. Kankandara is a yokai sealed away in the mountains, with the upper half of a naked six-armed human woman and the lower half of a snake. It attacks anyone who breaks the seal, and anyone who sees the lower half of Kankandara will lose their life.
Kankandara was once a human shrine maiden . She was asked by villagers to exterminate a man-eating serpent, but was killed and had her lower body eaten. The villagers negotiated with the serpent to refrain from harming the village in exchange for sacrificing the shrine maiden, and the serpent agreed by having the villagers cut off the shrine maiden’s arm to make it easier for it to swallow. Driven by resentment, the shrine maiden was resurrected as Kankandara and began attacking the villagers. The corpses she created were missing one arm. Terrified, the villagers sealed her away in the mountains, but were unable to completely neutralize her.
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