I Trust Your Sins and Pains
“No! I’m not going to lose you!” I clawed desperately at the rubble, digging with my hands, ignoring the pain as the rubble bites into my fingertips and cuts my palms, ignoring the aching of my knees as more rubble dug into them painfully. Broken glass and shattered bricks surrounding me. The seat of a broken building scattered around as if a bomb had been dropped dead center of where I stood.
Tears streaming down my face, blurring my vision as continued to dig, my frustrations rising as the more I dug the more the rubble around me poured in the hole I was trying to make and denying me any form of progress. Burying you further into your grave, keeping me from digging you out.
This was all wrong. This wasn’t supposed to happen to you. Not like this. We were supposed to win! We were supposed to find love and happiness! All of it was in ruins, just like this place. Though I tried so hard to deny it all with my being. I could hear the raid sirens blaring around me, another attack was incoming. Everyone would be running for life and safety. Things I no longer could have without you. I ignored them all and continued on, trying to pull you out, hoping that the dropping pit in my stomach was lying. After all, we had been through, after all the things I had done to save you. I couldn’t let this be the end.
Grabbing the closest thing I could, a tattered book with gilded lettering inlaid on the cover. Peter Pan. Ironic no? I didn’t care anymore. I used it as a shovel trying to dig and claw my way to you. Slowly progress was being made. I didn’t count the time nor the effort for nothing mattered to me anymore save getting to you. This library could lie in shambles for eternity for all I cared. I could hear others crying for help from within the rubble but I ignored them. Even as they grew weaker, a pang in my stomach as I let everything and everyone else die around me just to get to you.
Finally, my trials and effort broke through to you. Finding your outstretched hand I grew even more desperate. Clutching tightly to you as I renewed my efforts, digging furiously pushing all the rubble and broken glass away from your body. Your eyes were closed, your body still as if you had stopped breathing. Clutching your face I kissed you, pushing my breath into your body trying to get you to respond.
My tears dripping down my cheeks and onto your face. So close… We were so close to being home only to lose in the final stretch. Your body lay still, unresponsive, I lay beside you and cried, pounding my fist into your chest, kissing and trying to push my breath, my life into your body. trying to revive you, your body still holding some warmth to it, though I could feel it slowly fading away.
“NO… God please no!. No! Please… I can’t… I can’t do this without you… Please. Come back to me! You can’t leave me!”
I could hear the rumbling of trucks, sirens wailing as the firefighters and ambulances arrived. I ignored them as they tried to pull me away from you. Fighting and clutching tightly, I couldn’t let you go. I don’t know how many it took but they managed to pry me away as I howled in agony!
“NO stop! Fuck you! Get away! Get away get away! Noooooo! NOOOOOOOOOOO! I can’t leave them! Please… Please, please don’t take me away…!.”
I clawed and fought them with every ounce of strength I had. Even as they tied me down to the bed I refused to give up. I had to save you! I had to win! I can’t let you die! Please… Don’t die… Please.
I want to die. I want to let it all waste away. They told me that you had been dead for hours before I even dug you out. That I was lucky to survive. Lucky? I lose the one real thing I could cling to. The one thing I knew was real! The only one I could ever say I truly loved! And they say THAT I AM LUCKY? Fuck them all. This universe can be torn asunder. I don’t care anymore.
They kept me restrained, even when they wheeled me over to identify you. I had already broken one of the attendants’ noses when they had tried to undo them earlier. Seeing you lying like that. Cold and pale on that slab in the morgue. You’ll hate me for it I’m sure. I broke. I’m broken. I’m breaking….
Why? That question was ringing in my head. The question that I couldn’t find an answer for. It didn’t make any sense to me. What did we do wrong? My family came to visit me yesterday, and all I could do was cry. How could I know if they were even real? Maybe this was a hell created by the devil. I could look outside my window and see the rising tides of monsters trying to invade the land, every day there seemed to be reports of magical heroes in Tokyo, girls in sailor uniforms, or magical mechas fighting with aliens.
The job wasn’t done, but how could I think of going on without you? No. Let the world rot and destroy itself. It killed you so I will let it destroy itself. I will lay back and pray for death. Maybe I will be able to use the **** again and fix all of this. We can go back and try again…
I overhear the doctors talking outside my room. They think I need therapy, that I’m becoming catatonic and they want to fix me. Those fuckers don’t know there isn’t anything to fix. Not unless they can bring back the dead. I close my eyes and cry myself to sleep trying to ignore them.
You looked really nice, laying in that casket. Kind of beautiful even. I half expected you to sit up and talk to me. Tell me this was all just some cruel joke you pulled for all the shit I gave you all those years. I couldn’t bring myself to come any closer lest I try to jump in there with you. Why was it you?
Why? Why did this happen to us? I sat there watching them speak about you during the funeral. No one here understands a damn thing. To them, we only knew each other for a single night. They don’t know how many years, how many times we restarted, how I started to yearn for your embrace every night. They DON’T KNOW! They don’t understand what it feels like to live a thousand lifetimes with someone, waiting and hoping that someday we could become more real.
It was as if the world knew what it had lost as everything around me seemed to be mourning. I have to confess something. This was the second time I’ve been here… The power of the **** only takes me back to the ruins of the library. It’s all over now isn’t it? You are gone and I can never get you back.
It hurts so bad… I’m alone here, trapped in a world that didn’t move with us. How can I even look at my family anymore? I’ve lived god knows how many lives with you in that other world. How could I ever think of going back to normal? How I can go back? How can I move on? Ther is nothing either way for me anymore.
I don’t care who stares at me, I cry longer and harder than anyone else there. I don’t care what you think of me. I’m not letting go of you. I’m not saying goodbye. I’ll find a way to bring you back.
The library is gone. All I have are scraps, I met with the Atlantians to “discuss” things. They want me to work, I want answers and a way to bring you back. They tell me no. But they cannot refuse me for long. I’m the only one left alive. All the other pagemasters died in similar explosions to the one we encountered on our return. They can’t tell me no forever… Not if they want to save their “precious universe.”
No! I won’t let you leave me! I won’t let you go! I can’t! I can’t do it! Please come back to me! There is nothing here… There is nothing to bring you back… They said there was no way… No true way… Only The Word could perform such a miracle. I can’t let you go… It’s foolish but I stole your ashes… I look at you every day, trying to pretend to be cheerful for your sake. But I can’t do it anymore!
I stand in the darkness now. Please forgive me. I’m sorry… I’m so sorry… I can’t let you go. Not like this. I’ll make sure you live. You were always stronger than me, you know. My brave facade was always a lie. You will forgive me when I tell you why. Won’t you? Please say yes.
A whisper of wind stirs up around me… The burning black candles going out one by one as they are enveloped within shadows. I feel his presence come around me. Hear the laughter in his voice tickling my ear. God, I hate his voice, if I didn’t need his help I would try and smite him down with all my power. But it’s the only way I have now.
“This is so precious you know… you calling on me.”
He clicked his tongue and I could see the grin breaking out across his face, the blackness that was darker than even true black. I felt a shiver run down my spine and swallowed back my fear.
“Is that how one treats someone they wish to make their benefactor? You wanted to make a deal with me didn’t you?”
I nodded my head slowly. Forgive me… I beg of you. I did this because I cannot live without you. I only hope that with you we can find a way to save both of us next time. A deal with the devil, the monster I knew I shouldn’t… and yet. There is no other way.
“I want to go back… to the world before this one.”
I could feel his smile creeping up even wider, the darkness closing in around me As he drew in closer. My vision growing dark as he surrounded me in his power. Becoming suffocating, I choked and tried to hold myself from panicking as his voice tickled my ear in the faintest whisper.
“You realize the price you will pay do you not?”
“I do. But it is the only way…”
He laughed and pressed in tighter, I felt as if my soul was being crushed in his grasp the world around us faded away into nothingness. My head spinning with dizziness as his presence became stifling and overpowering my essence.
“My soul… To save my love from death in the next world.”
“So it will be done….”